Do you know suffering? According to the folks at Sufferfest, no one knows suffering like I know suffering. But I think they say that to all the groveling slogs…you know, for a ‘pick-me-up’. Now about this tour…
According to Grunter von Agony, race director, “The course is carefully balanced between agony, misery and despair. So, yes, the Tour of Sufferlandria is a worthwhile target for anybody looking for an early season goal. You really ought to have some solid training behind you before you start it, and you’ll surely go through a roasting in hell during the race. When you come out the other side? With a solid 9 days of effort behind you, you will be able to take an ox, tie him to your bike, drag him up and over Mt. Sufferlandria while he tries to run the other way, and drink a flagon of ale made from the bikes of all those you crushed on your way to a glorious victory. Or the Minions will eat you for lunch. But, whatever.”
Let us begin, shall we? The following is our modest Tour of Sufferlandria. Most of the pictures are of us before each day’s suffering…also, as well as, also.
Day 1 was brutal. They have a knack for naming these videos. And that whole “Sufferfest” thing? Oh yeah, it’s for real. We both met and managed to dodge our point of puke returns.
Puke not withstanding, our biggest challenge in day 1 was that we weren’t riding together. At that point we had only 1 trainer and a set of rollers. I am not in near good enough shape to do these videos on rollers…all the same, I gave it a shot and bonked almost immediately. Next…!
Marti? Oh yeah, she’s got mad things covered while we suffer. We’re talking pillows, blankets, snacks, fluids (to spill on the couch, yes?), and the beloved iPad. I worry she’s enjoying our suffering too much.
Well we survived day 1, suffering and all, and are ready to kick this tour’s ASS!!! IWBMATTKYT!
Day 2: Sun Jan 27
I’ve had this one for the better part of a year. I like this one…I like climbing. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m a slogger, not a sprinter. These videos told me so…again and again and again and again.
We got our second trainer today so now Elyse and I could attack these bad boys together. This is about as good as it gets short of going outside. I do miss the outside. Luckily there’s a super special ride coming up in a matter of days….ahhhhhhhhhh!
Here we are with our first repeat and I’m stuck having to explain myself. We don’t own all the videos in the Tour of Sufferlandria…we got a bunch more than we had a few weeks ago, just not all. What we did was exchange places with a video(s) that matches time, intensity, and similar in their special form of torture.
Trust me when I tell you there were ZERO shortcuts made. I was fair to a fault while swapping videos I didn’t have with videos I did. IWBMATTKYT!
The title more than says it all. Holy shit.
Dark is right. There’s an evil laugh…maybe once or twice or more I don’t know, but I still hear it in my dreams. This day was truly a lesson in all things dark…very dark indeed.
We can’t believe we’ve made it!!! Brilliant work, if I do say so myself. 5 days in a row on the trainer with bleeding eyes…shudder! This is our favorite of all. It’s not easy, in fact I wasn’t sure if it was sweat or tears dripping off the tip of my nose. Just the tip…
Wouldn’t you know with all that momentum we gathered we bonk and have to take a recovery day. Between a recovery day and repeating videos…I’m sure the minions would love to strip us of our Sufferlandrian credentials. Why then go on? We go on because we made a commitment to finish this tour. Or, in simpler terms: IWBMATTKYT
Back with a SHOT! Holy shit it was oh so painful. This one hurt Elyse the most. It might have hurt me the most, also, as well as…but I can’t remember. I’m in a sick state of shock where I feel and remember no pain. It’s more than likely only a matter of moments before my eggshell blanket of shock shatters. Oh me oh my….
The day of recovery helped a lot, but it wasn’t enough. We were super tired and run down…and feeling a bit overwhelmed with the prospect of finishing this tour. Like I said before, it wasn’t an ‘if”… So we took another day. IWBMATTKYT!
Did I say that Friday was painful? What was I thinking? 92 minutes is such a very long time to be suffering…suffer on…suffer on…suffer on… And that one called “The Long Scream”…once again nailed the name. No warm up or down, just :30 of time trials.
These videos have an effort indicator affectionately known as the ‘Sufferscale’. Each video is different, yet the overall feel is the same. One that I remember fondly said “8/10: If someone wanted to talk to you, you’d punch them. If you could” -or- “2/10: Hell Hath Cocktails and Nachos!” -or- “10/10: Black hole supernova”. With descriptors like those I had second thoughts about taking it easy, or even just easier. Tell me to suffer and I shall oblige. To Glory! To Victory! To Sufferlandria!!!! IWBMATTKYT!
Oh my oh my oh my oh my…we are almost there! The finish line is just over the horizon, just beyond tomorrow’s suffering. This day was a bitch. “Dark Place” kicked my ass more than any other, while “Revolver” did the same for Elyse.
With both of us sure to hit a wall (or 47) and struggle, this was a true internal battle. Come on Plato, my meditation through 100 minutes of suffering, “for one to conquer oneself is the first and noblest of all victories!” You’re damn right it is. IWBMATTKYT!
First…before we continued on with the suffering, Elyse’s bike needed a bit of attention. It comes with the territory…if her bike didn’t need work then one might could come to the conclusion she wasn’t suffering enough. Whoa! Bite your tongue, cretin!
What do I say about day 9? We made it…we did. A little worse for the wear…you might notice the slightest hint of exhaustion in our pre~ride pics.
Okay…so here I am, about 8 hours after finishing our last segment with a cloudy mind and painfully heavy muscles. No, it’s not the weed…that’s a work in progress. Feelings, nothing more than feelings…or not feelings in the case of my ass. Er…
As a special treat, we had a modest celebration at the finish. We did it. We really did. In the end we added 2 recovery days and repeated some videos. This was very challenging on different levels. 9 consecutive days of beating myself into suffering submission proved to be too much for me this time around. I’m not upset or disappointed with the recovery days. We took our day off and got back in the saddle the next. It’s the getting back in the saddle that means the most.
That’s the victory, that’s the glory.
Big thanks to Lorien and Dad for letting us borrow your trainers. We wouldn’t have done it without your generosity.
I Will Beat My Ass Today To Kick Yours Tomorrow
Viva Sufferlandria! It was a beautiful tour. Thank you so much for your hospitality.